


Never Let Me Go

by orphan_account



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Depression, Songfic, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-19 10:35:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8202296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Anders reflects on his life on a bridge above an oceanfront.  Based on the song Never Let Me Go by Florence + the Machine.





	

_Looking up from underneath_

_Fractured moonlight on the sea_

The mage’s hands held onto the railing tightly.  In front of him, one hundred feet below, the waves rushed in from the ocean, finding resistance as they hit the columns that held up the bridge he stood upon.  Sea foam gathered around the columns, washed away and redistributed with each and every wave crashing against the soaked wood.

It was midnight.  And Anders was wondering if he’d done the right thing.

The spray of the waves gave off an easy smell of saltwater and soil.  He soaked it all in; the aroma, the sight of the moon reflected off dark green water, the soft sounds of the surf crashing hard against wooden columns below. 

It was here he found he could finally think.  It was here where Justice and himself were both calm.

Despite the serene scene before him, he clenched harder onto the iron of the railing.

_Reflections still look the same to me_

_As before I went under_

There was something more than inviting about the deep, dark waters; he felt a longing. He longed to reach out, comb his fingers through the foam atop the waves.  He longed to sink into the cool, refreshing waters, to feel the cold darkness all around him and inside him.

He felt himself lose balance, and he staggered back quickly, breathing deeply through his nose.

_And it's peaceful in the deep_

_Cathedral where you cannot breathe_

His mind felt as though it was in a fog as he stared deeper into the ocean.  He knelt beside the railing, using it to lower himself as he slid his legs underneath it, holding onto it tightly.  He closed his eyes, trying to clear his mind.

_No need to pray, no need to speak_

_Now I am under all_

Anders remembered a time when he had felt this way.  Further back, he recalled the fourth time he’d escaped the Circle and fled in the forest.  He was just twenty-something when he left everything behind, no thanks to the men and women he’d escaped with in previous attempts. He had reached a bright clearing, a glade, where the sunlight almost seemed bright enough to peer right through the trees.  His clothes were tattered, likely leaving a trail for the templars just from the amount of cloth that was ripped from his robes onto jagged branches.

He’d seen the way the flowers and vines snaked up the trees to grasp at the vague light above, the way the shadows of the leaves moved with every step.  He collapsed atop the flowerbed, his heart weighted and breath leaving his body like a spirit to the Fade.  It was the same longing, a longing to abandon his physical form and return to the earth.

The templars found him, hours later, asleep amongst the flowers.

_And it's breaking over me_

_A thousand miles down to the sea bed_

_Found the place to rest my head_

He shook his head as he felt his head become heavy, resting it against the railing, almost straddling the metal to keep from falling into the water.

It wasn’t as though he wanted to die, he tried to convince himself.  He had done all he could for the past few years of his life to make up for all his choices.  Blowing up the Kirkwall Chantry. Subsequently betraying the trust of the only man he’d ever loved.  Abandoning the Wardens.  Failing to save Karl.

It all stacked atop him, weighing down his shoulders and his mind all at once.  He found himself questioning daily whether he was worthy of the life he’d been given by the Maker.

Sometimes, he found himself wondering whether the Maker had turned his gaze away from him.

He felt his eyes well with tears at the thought.  There were only a few things that stung right into his soul, and the idea of losing his faith was one that pained him the most.  He was a proud, albeit sinful, Andrastian; he was sure of that the moment he was born.  Anytime he found a moment to do so, he prayed for forgiveness. And the idea of the very source of all his love and faith abandoning him at his darkest hour... It was enough to break him.

_And the arms of the ocean are carrying me_

_And all this devotion was rushing out of me_

The tears streamed down his face as he clasped his hands together around the iron railing, and he began to pray.  He prayed hard, and long, and deeply, begging, no, _pleading_ the Maker to forgive him for everything he’d done and everything he was going to do.  He sobbed, looking down to the water as the tears fell from his eyes into the ocean below.

_And the crashes are heaven for a sinner like me_

_But the arms of the ocean delivered me_

_What if I never sinned again? What if I just… slipped from this height, into the ocean? I could give myself up for my sins._

The thought was sudden, and he quickly let go of the railing, scooting away from the edge in a panic.

“No!  I couldn’t.  Suicide is a sin. It’s a sin in the eyes of the Maker.”

He shook violently, holding himself tightly as he tried to pry his eyes away from the ocean spray below.  His heart began to slow.

_Is it, though? The Maker forgives all._

“I can’t.  It’s not…”  Anders reached out to the rusted railing again, gripping it tightly as he maneuvered his head through the bars, peering over the edge.

_Though the pressure's hard to take_

_It's the only way I can escape_

_It seems a heavy choice to make_

_And now I am under all_

His vision blurred with salty tears, and he blinked them away, shaking his head and pulling his hand away.

 _You’re not strong enough._   He bit his bottom lip, quiet wheezes coming from his throat as he tried to stagger up, off the ground.

“I won’t!  I won’t…”

_And it's over_

_And I'm going under_

_But I'm not giving up_

_I'm just giving in_

More tears, more gasps for breath escaped his lungs as he leaned over the railing, shaking harder.  He found himself climbing over, sobs bursting from his throat as he held onto the iron bars for dear life.

Then he let go.

His body felt weightless, breathless as he fell, before he crashed into the waves.  And then, there was immense peace.

_Never let me go_

**Author's Note:**

> This was a short ventfic for me, as a person who experiences suicide ideation and severe depression. Sorry for taking it out on Anders. (I'm not sorry at all. Feel the pain with me.)


End file.
